i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Never joke about your clitoris.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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