There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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