I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just pee around me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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