also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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