last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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