I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
