Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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