I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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