I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i've created a new STD.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
