i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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