hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
