So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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