How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
