but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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