Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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