chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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