I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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