and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Panties = found
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