theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
