i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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