She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
