the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
