I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize