I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
