It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
