well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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