His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
