All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
