I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
