I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
