Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
