I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
