Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
