Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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