omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
