You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
