maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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