going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he fucked my hip out of place.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
