I just threw up on my dentist
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
