I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He shit in the fireplace
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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