Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
