i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
