Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
