do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
