Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
