There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
