and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
