I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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