I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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