God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
