I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
worst night to have a conscience
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
