I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
