I just pynch a tree in the face
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize