Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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