We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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