He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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